The List
by Delenn
Summary: NEW: 02-29-04 Angel's thoughts during "A Hole In The World"


**Disclaimer: All characters from 'Angel the Series' don't belong to me, they belong to whoever created/wrote/owns them. And yes, I am too lazy to look up the names of the people who own them, but I can guarantee it's not me. So, don't sue me please!!! The story idea is mine though, so let's not use it without my permission, m'kay?   
  
Author's Notes: Hey everyone! This is just a little Angel story that up and occurred to me overnight (literally), I wonder why so many of them occur at night? Am I that vampire brainsoaked? Yes, I know that's not a word. So, anyway, I decided to write it!   
  
Spoilers: "A Hole In The World," if you haven't seen it, this story won't make much sense. And if you don't wanna be spoiled, you really shouldn't read this.   
  
Story Notes: Omigosh, this is a cannon piece. By me. That's right, the world just ended, the sky fell, hell froze, and all Armageddon broke out on earth. Heh, maybe not. Anyways, this is short, bittersweet, and hopefully finished. ;) I never can quite tell if I'll finish something or not. There's no pairings. Angel POV. Depressing, I'm sure, because I was depressed when I wrote it. Damn the WB (Wretched Bastards) for taking Angel off! Damn them! NO wonder all the new eps are depressing!   
  
Summary: Angel's thoughts during "A Hole In The World" over Fred and what he can and can't do to save her.   
  
Feedback: Yes! Feed the author, please! Critique/Comments/Enjoyment is greatly appreciated, honestly, just drop me a line! Goddess_Delenn@yahoo.com   
  
Distribution: My site, BFW. Everyone else has to ask, all you have to do is click the above link and tell me you want it, I guarantee I'll say yes, you just have to ask first!   
  
Songs For This Fiction: None yet.   
  
Warnings: Sex/Language/Violence: nope!   
  
Pairing: None   
  
Rating: PG-13 cause it's angsty.   
  
Date Started/Finished: February 26th, 2004**   
  


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The List  
By ~Delenn~

  
  
I'm going to hell for a lot of things.   
  
Unspeakable torments lay in store for me at the end of the day.   
  
I should know. I've been there.   
  
I escaped hell once, next time they're not going to let me go.   
  
There's no doubt that when my work here is done the only thing waiting for me will be fire, brimstone, and all the other cliché tortures that people use to describe hell.   
  
Of course, it's indescribable, which is why humans and demons alike resort to such silly expressions for it. Hell is just.... hell.   
  
Once upon a time, I had delusions of being saved, earning my redemption from that end. Figured if I worked and bleed hard enough for the "good fight" then I wouldn't have to go back to hell.   
  
Conveniently, I forgot about the list.   
  
All those unspeakable things I did to so many innocent and pure people. All the travesties that my own creations did. All of it, on one nice little list, written in my blood, which goes on and on.   
  
There is no escape from hell for me. I've earned my special spot there, and now the only thing left is to try and make up for it so that for my remaining time _here_, undead, I can live with a little less guilt.   
  
Nothing's going to tip the scale for me. No matter how many times I save the world, there'll always be that list.   
  
So, yeah, I'm going to hell. For a lot of things.   
  
But there is one that I wouldn't mind being remembered for, wouldn't mind securing my eternal torment for...   
  
Winifred Burkle.   
  
Of everything I've done, all the pain I've caused and earned, I would gladly go to hell for her.   
  
To save her.   
  
If somewhere on that list it read, "Allowed thousands of innocent people to die in order to selfishly save one Winifred Burkle," I would go face my dues with a smile on my face.   
  
Because she'd be here, alive and healthy, getting what _she_ deserves.   
  
And in this moment, I want to save her, even if it means damning myself, yet again.   
  
So why am I still holding onto this railing, knowing that she's being boiled from the inside out at this moment?   
  
Saving her would damn myself, not like anything would've stopped that.   
  
No, what's holding me here is that I couldn't live with all those innocent people I'd be condemning to the same fate.   
  
Fred is lost for a few thousands to remain pure and happy in a world they do or do not deserve.   
  
It's the right thing.   
  
The big picture.   
  
Then why do I feel so... bad... for the one evil that won't ever be on my list? 


End file.
